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hello@riannahijlkema.com

Walking & Hiking Retreats
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Walking & Hiking Retreats
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riannahijlkema

CNBC Community Builder

After 6 long years of battling infertility, dealin

After 6 long years of battling infertility, dealing with hundreds of doctor’s appointments, invasive tests, and countless needles, I could only find happiness in the thought that one day I would hold our little bundle of joy…

As you know…

That day never came…

And for a very long time I couldn’t find happiness outside of this…

No wonder, as everything I’ve done in my life up until that moment was about prepping the best I could for motherhood… 🤷‍♀️

🌟 Taking care of my 3 younger brothers, when my mom wanted to go back to work
🌟 Becoming a Teacher
🌟 Marrying an amazing man (and future father)
🌟 Becoming a Postpartum Doula
🌟 Becoming a Sleep Consultant (no lack of sleep for us!!)

Motherhood was the thing that gave meaning to everything I did.. all the choices I made..

So when this was suddenly over… it was incredibly hard for me to find happiness…

Until….

My husband (he’s SO wise!) told me one day to make a list why I thought that a baby would make me happy…

And I started writing down (I encourage you to do the same…)

A baby will… give me a sense of purpose.
A baby will… help me make an impact.
A baby will… able me to share everything I’ve learned in life so far.
A baby will… show me what unconditional love is.
A baby will… make me enjoy the little moments more.
A baby will… keep me living in the present.
A baby will… make me feel deeply loved.
A baby…

… trust me the list was waaay much longer!!!

And then he told me to replace the word baby with another word…

WOW… 🤯 that shifted everything…

He was right… Tying happiness to a certain outcome is very dangerous…

Well.. we all know that by now… 😬

And no, it’s not always easy, but being able to find happiness, purpose, and presence in other areas of my life, gives hope for the future….

⬇️ What helped you find your happiness back?

Prioritize yourself – don’t put your life on h

Prioritize yourself – don’t put your life on hold, book the holidays you were dreaming of, start that new business or buy the dress you wanted..

If your life works out according ‘plan’ - great!
If not, you still have a full life left… ❤️

And don’t forget to appreciate those who walk in your life, when the rest of the world walks out.. ❤️

⬇️ What would you tell your younger self, after knowing what she will be going through?

To be honest, this was my 3rd therapist (who obvio

To be honest, this was my 3rd therapist (who obviously didn’t last long 🙈)…

I’ve been undergoing fertility treatments for nearly 6 years, which has been one of the most challenging experiences of my life…

But…

Nothing could have prepared me for all the emotions and feelings AFTER we decided to stop with IVF.. 😬

I fell in a deep dark hole, and I knew I needed help. Gathering myself together, I scoured the internet for a therapist.

The first one was great until, in our second call, she decided it was a good idea to use her daughter as an example for dealing with hardship (over and over again).

It took me weeks to recover from that and build up the courage to find another therapist.

The second therapist arrived 15 min. late for our call and (without saying sorry) she then started a detailed story how she couldn’t hang up with the client before me because she was about to kill herself (gonna spare you the details).

Not only was this unprofessional, but as a highly empathic person, I felt so sorry for the girl, and thought that my story wasn’t that important after all - hanged up our call after 30 min. 😳

Recovery from this experience took months. But when I noticed myself diminishing my feelings (If only these therapists understood the ripple effect of their shitty sessions!) I knew it was time to reach out for support again.. 😔

I found a 3rd therapist, red flags from the beginning when she suggested I try ICSI instead of IVF based on her friend’s success (remember I already had decided to stop!)

Then, when she causally dropped in our second conversation: “You know there are other ways to become a mother’ - I was done..

Why wouldn’t anybody just let me grief? And instead of trying to fix me help me go through all of this more smoothly… 🤷‍♀️

Note: This is my experience from 2 years ago. I have found my way out of the deepest grief.

And I still believe in therapy, but finding a therapist that understands our story, actually sucks… 😔

⬇️ What’s your experience with finding a therapist?

And if you’ve worked with a great one, feel free to share their name - let’s make the path easier for others! 😘

I’ve received this question a few times in my DM

I’ve received this question a few times in my DM’s, and the first thing I always say…

You will know….

Honestly.. there’s no answer to this.. everybody is on their own unique journey…

I think the best question you can ask yourself…

Is this dream of mine, worth the price I’m paying for it…

I’m not talking about money (even though that plays a huge role), what I’m talking about is your mental, emotional and physical health…

The high levels of stress and anxiety, the lost friendships, the years you’re wasting, fill in the 100 other blanks…

To me it was ABSO-FREAKING-LUTELY worth it - for the first 5 years.. but then I slowly started questioning.. everything… and then this happened…

Friday, March 18, 2022.

My husband and I had just returned from the IVF clinic, where they had told us that they wouldn’t let me proceed with a fourth round of IVF, with only one follicle. (for context - the most I ever had was three) and of course an AMH level of 0.39, wasn’t very promising…

We sat down in a cafe and that was the start of a VERY long conversation.

For six years, I had suppressed thoughts like, “What if it doesn’t work out?””When is it enough?” And “can you ever really stop, without having a baby?”

Suddenly, I had to face them..

We talked for hours, and made a list with pros and cons, just like we had done before committing to IVF.

To us, there were only 2 options…

1. Find a clinic somewhere in the world willing to let me go through a cycle with only one follicle. I mean.. we could take another loan, money can get you very far in this industry.

2. Quit..  
And the last one we did… trust me, that was the MOST difficult decision I’ve ever made.

But… strangely enough, the minute we decided it was enough, my entire body relaxed…

No more doctors…
No more appointments…
No more injections…
No more blood tests…
No more freaking HCG’s…
No more internal examinations…
No more medications…
No more lying to people around me..
No more…

… and then it hit me…

no more hope….

This was it…

After 6 long, devastating, all sacrificing, painful years, we had made the decision it was enough…

… with no baby in our arms…

(continue in comments)

My video got cut by Instagram, just wanted to let

My video got cut by Instagram, just wanted to let you know that… you’re not alone.. I feel you… and from this side of the world I’m sending you love.. lots of it..

And no I’m not going to tell you that one day it will feel less.. because first of all who the f* nows.. and second.. what does It matter.. 🤷‍♀️

You feel hurt right now.. and whatever you feel.. it’s allowed to be there.. let’s just sit with it for once..

Sending my thoughts to everyone struggling out there.. ❤️❤️❤️ you’re in my heart.. and it has grown massively since I met so many beautiful souls (who didn’t deserve this kind of hardship) who’ve been through the same..

I wish you these kind of friendships for a lifetime.. and if you don’t have them yet.. I’m here.. for you holding space.. ❤️

YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE….

ARGH! I still can get so mad thinking back at our

ARGH! I still can get so mad thinking back at our own IVF experience, and hearing so many of you dealing with the same #$%…

Just this morning I read a post of one of the kindest and mentally strongest woman I’ve met.. who was told that..

It was her fault that her cycle got canceled because of her weight. While 1 month ago she was told to try to lose 5-10 pounds, but not too much because rapid weight loss decreases egg quality..

So she did.. 11.8 lbs exactly..

And now has to rapidly lose weight (while struggling with PCOS) to be able to do another cycle while her husband’s insurance will still cover it..

It’s one thing to use our vulnerability & our dream to become a mother, to make shit loads of money.. it’s another to treat us like objects…

I’m SO sorry girl.. what you are going through..

And what all of you are going through…

This is freaking hard..

AARGH…

It just makes me upset thinking of the happy family pictures collage that was hanging in the clinic, showcasing their success stories.. Where is my photo? Where is our collage? We deserve a picture for all of our hard work..

But we don’t.. because in your eyes we failed..

But we didn’t! We gave it our ALL..

Trust me.. our all…

Well.. sometimes I do… and I’m sorry if that b

Well.. sometimes I do… and I’m sorry if that bothers you…

You know I can handle the fact that you ask me if I have children.. (you shouldn’t have asked me a year ago though, but I’m stronger now..)

But.. if you follow up with ‘why not?’ and then aren’t ready to hear all the heartbreak and losses that come with my answer to your question.. I’m sorry, but that’s your problem.. 🤷‍♀️

I know you weren’t prepared, because often times we just smile and don’t share the ugly truth (most often to avoid your unsolicited advice)..

But.. toooo freaking bad.. got the wrong woman in front of you.. 😅

I’m done with wiping it under the table.. and if that makes you uncomfortable I’m sorry but I don’t care, because I know you move on with your life the moment you can get away from me and this uncomfortable conversation..

But I can’t.. this IS my life.. forever..

Now THAT is what I call.. uncomfortable!

〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️

My heart goes out to all of you beautiful souls finding your way in living this unexpected life! 💔

Sending you love, strength and everything else you need! ❤️

Many people are not aware that being involuntarily

Many people are not aware that being involuntarily childless can cause trauma and even lead to symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Here are a few reasons why this may be the case: 
1. Lack of understanding: Many people may not understand the emotional impact of infertility or the struggles of those who are involuntarily childless. Without a personal connection to the issue, it can be difficult for them to understand the pain and trauma that it can cause. 
2. Stigma and shame: Infertility and involuntary childlessness are still sometimes viewed as taboo or shameful topics. This can lead to a lack of awareness and understanding of the struggles that individuals and couples face. 
3. Lack of education: Despite the fact that infertility and involuntary childlessness are relatively common issues, there is still a lack of education and awareness around these topics. This can make it difficult for people to recognize the signs of trauma or PTSD in themselves or others. 
4. Limited research: While there is growing recognition of the emotional impact of infertility and involuntary childlessness, there is still relatively little research on the topic. This can make it difficult to fully understand the extent of the trauma that it can cause and the most effective ways to address it.

Take a deep breath. You’re not alone. We’ve got you…

Join us for our Women’s Circle where we will discuss all the challenges of being childless. Sometimes we cry, most often we laugh. These connections are priceless…

👉 Sign up with the link in my bio

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